Friday, June 3, 2011

Legion review (FINALLY!)

It's been about a month now, hasn't it? I've been wanting to say my peace (piece - yay for play on words) about Scott Charles Stewart's Legion, but I've always seemed to get side-tracked by some other movie or topic or whatever. Well, I'm going to spit out what I have to say now. NOW! No more interruptions! Legion has my undivided attention.
When Legion came out with a trailer back in 2009, I thought: Oh dear god. Another movie with religious intonations. The Church is going to have a field day with this. After I saw the trailer a few times, my thoughts changed a bit: Why does it have to be about Michael and Gabriel? Why do all movies with angels have Michael and/or Gabriel? Don't people know there's four Archangels? Or did I learn something that isn't accepted by popular society? Yes, my usually non-religious thinking brain went in that direction.

First and foremost, let us penetrate into the depths of the movie....

 Stewart's angelic battle opens with a decision by Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) to fall from God's grace to Earth. The most symbolic aspects of this fall from grace: the scene that Michael takes his life, slices off his wings, and the "collar" (bracelet) of God clanking on the ground. After he revives from his immortal sacrifice (to become mortal), Michael makes his way to a toy factory that is seemingly controlled by the Chinese Triad. I only say this because there's a hidden armory of weapons galore, and the guy Michael knocked the F out was Asian. (Why did it have to be Asian? I'm still trying to figure that one out.) Michael finds his way to the bathroom, where he stitches his back up with a hook and whatever is in the first aid kit (and this is where I was squirming in my chair; toes all curled up too).

The movie then jumps to Paradise Falls gas stop/diner, where we find Jeep (Lucas Black) ogling over the pregnant Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), who is just going about life as if she's trying to get over the fact that she's preggers and stuck in this nearly dried up gas stop. This little pit stop in the middle of nowhere is having its own share of problems, along with Charlie's fatherless pregnancy: (1) (a) A family of three is stuck at the pit stop due to their car breaking down, (b) the family has a bit of tension between mother and daughter, as the father is the mediator between the two; (2) A male customer is seemingly lost and trying to get in touch with his son, whom he's trying to make it to the court for a custody battle; (3) Station owner, Bob (Dennis Quaid), and cook, Percy (Charles Dutton), are bickering about the the television and the lack of reception. (I know #3 seems a bit minor, but it does matter.)

In comes granny, Gladys Foster (Jeanette Miller), with her walker and big, toothy smile. She introduces herself to everyone, more directed to the family, but she's talking so loud, she might as well be speaking to everyone. Gladys and Charlie share the usual exchange of customer and waitress, but after Charlie's delivery of her raw steak and asking about Charlie's pregnancy, Gladys's personality changes 180, stating with a sing-song voice: "But it's going to burn. Your fucking baby is going to burn. All fucking babies are going to burn." When Howard (the father in the family of three) tries to confront Gladys - she insulted and verbally attacked his wife, she sinks her teeth - now pointy like shark teeth - into his throat, screams and goes crawling all over the walls and ceiling of the diner before making an attempt on Bob, who is shooting at her with a shotgun. Gladys manages to knock Bob on his ass, as she sets her sights on Jeep, saying: "You can't save her." Go figure, the person who kills Gladys is the guy who looks the part of a gangster - problem person #2, Kyle (Tyrese Gibson). A few of them cast off in Kyle's car with the bitten Howard, gunning for the nearest hospital (80 miles away), only to be forced to turn back and return after running smack into a cloud-like swarm of flies. Running back into the diner, Percy shouts, "I gotta get my Bible." Bob replies, "Why?" Percy's final response (it's awesome): "'Cuz Someone's got to start prayin'."

Just as Granny "Shark Teeth" Gladys is dealt with (tossed outside of the diner), who other than Michael pulls up in an LAPD car. After a quick "show me your teeth" interrogation at gun point, Michael shoves everyone back into the diner with a warning of "they're coming", and a very specific demand of "don't do anything brave" to Charlie. Just as the troupe closes the doors, darkness comes, bringing angel-possessed mortal bodies. (The first of these freaked me out a bit, simply because the music is so symbolic of happiness; not so happy in this movie: The Ice Cream Man!) After the first wave of possessed massacre - in which the injured Howard gets sucked out of the diner and into the crowds of expressionless bodies - everyone starts interrogating Michael, asking him what the hell is happening, and Michael simply says (to Charlie), "Your child is humanity's only hope." When Audrey (Willa Holland) asks him if he's there to protect them, (I love Michael's response) he plainly states, "Not you. Her."

[Side note: the trailer for Legion pretty much sums up the whole Granny "Shark Teeth" Gladys scene sequence. If you have yet to watch the movie or see the trailer, here's a reminder.)

Okay, back to the plot synopsis!

After the first night, the day was to "test our weakness," according to Michael. The weakest link is... ding ding ding... Sandra (the mother/wife of the little trio family). She wakes up and runs to the back door, flings it open and what does she see? Her husband, Howard, in an upside down crucifix covered in boils and blisters, and he's screaming for help and his skin is all bubbling (shivers). Naturally, Sandra goes running towards him, but just as she's about to touch him - and Howard's about to explode - Percy (Dutton's character) grabs her and runs her back inside. Just as they get inside, all we - the audience - hear is someone (Bob, I think) ask, "Percy? Are you all right?" and Percy falling flat on the floor, face down; his back ripped the F open. (There's just no avoiding the "F" in that description, because there is no decent word to describe the scene.) Our little troupe of rag-tag-angel-killing rebels tie Sandra up in a chair - taking no more chances with her weak ass.

Of course, the second night brings more excitement. This time, the night tests Kyle (Tyrese's character). Power comes back to the little diner, and a mini van pulls up with a dad and son (they're normal! Not possessed!) trying to get gas into their van. The return of power to the station attracted them, along with a dozen or so possessed gangsters, who run the dad over and taunts the child in the sight of the troupe inside the diner. Kyle, being a father, failed the night's test, as he jumps down from the roof (he was on watch duty with Audrey), runs to the aid of the child, only to realize that - oh no! - the child has become possessed. The brat kid bites Kyle, triggering Audrey to react: jumps from roof, guns blazing... oh crap! Gun's empty when she reaches the kid. She jumps into the mini van, while the gangsters surround it and starts to break into it. Inside the diner, Charlie turns to Michael and screams, "Do something! She's just a girl!" When Michael says nothing and just stares at her, she threatens him with: "or I will" as she reaches for a weapon. Well, duh! Michael stops her and grabs the gun, goes outside, saves Audrey, comes back inside with her, and oops....
Who let the little possessed boy in? Charlie is attacked by the little brat with a carving knife, saying: "I just wanna play with the baby." He cuts his thumbs off (somehow) with the knife and disappears, as Michael jumps over the counter to "save" Charlie. Power goes out, kid jumps on... Bob or Jeep... mini fight with brat, brat is dead, Jeep goes to Charlie's side, and OMG! The baby's coming!!!

Michael takes Charlie and Audrey into the kitchen for the delivery. My favorite Audrey line is in this scene: "Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I know how to do this!" (She's talking about delivering a baby.) The diner is completely surrounded by angel-possessed humans now and when the baby is born, all the possessed stop moving. Charlie refuses to see her baby, so Audrey takes her (the baby) to Sandra. (Back to Charlie and Michael in the kitchen) She asks if the whole human holocaust is over, Michael answers, "Not yet." There's a few question-answer dialog but in the end of the conversation, Charlie is ready to protect her newborn from everything that comes her way. (yay! It's the epiphany moment!) As Charlie asks Audrey for the baby, Sandra breaks free from her bonds, snatches the baby and backs up to the front door of the diner - Michael's gun pointed at her head the entire time. Sandra attempts to explain herself ("If all they want is the baby, I'll give them the baby.") and urges Audrey to join her - good girl refuses and clings to Charlie. Sandra keeps on repeating her explanation, and we hear the Horn of Gabriel blow, signaling the arrival of the final challenge: Gabriel (Kevin Durand) himself.
The front door blows off its hinges, sucking Sandra out with the door, Michael shoots her in the head, she drops the baby, Jeep dives and catches the baby (I still think the baby's head bounced on the floor), and Gabriel enters, staring at Jeep and the baby, and swings his mace at Jeep's head.

Takes a breath


Bob starts shooting at Gabriel, whose wings are seemingly made of reflective whatever - bullets bouncing off of them, and as Bob runs out of ammo, Gabriel slices him with the tip of his wing and backhand slaps him over the counter. Jeep starts for his dad (Bob), but Michael stops hims, saying, "Protect the child. Find the prophets and learn to read the instructions." Thus, Jeep makes for the back door with Audrey, Charlie and the newborn in tow, leaving Michael to face Gabriel.

The movie now bounces back and forth between Michael-Gabriel fight and Jeep-Audrey-Charlie-baby walking through the possessed crowd to a car and driving down the road for about 3 minutes before settling its focus on Michael and Gabriel. Michael tells Gabriel continuously: "That's enough," but Gabriel won't have any of what Michael has been puffing on and delivers the killing blow by stabbing himself and Michael with a hidden blade in his (Gabriel's) mace. Michael crashes to the floor, Gabriel stands over him, Michael disappears in a blinding light, Gabriel is left in shock of what just happened, and then, we all hear this click click click click.... Gabriel goes behind the counter to find a weak Bob lying on the floor, flicking his zippo under the gas grill. Bob looks up at Gabriel and says, "Sorry, we're closed." BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!

Jump to the car with Jeep, Charlie, Audrey, and baby: Charlie looks at Jeep and says, "your arm!" OMG! Michael's tattoos are gluing themselves to Jeep's body! Jeep doesn't seem surprised (rather in awe) and whispers the word "instructions" before BAM! Gabriel drops from sky onto the car. Everyone's screaming, Gabriel's punched a hole in the roof and trying to grab someone, Gabriel slides from the roof to the back and is holding on for dear life, he crawls into the car - clawing and grappling at Jeep, Charlie's trying to shield the baby, Audrey's trying to grab Gabriel, and we hear the most heroic line of the movie (coming from a girl): "Do it, Jeep! I got him! Do it!" (Audrey) Jeep guns the car to over 120 mph and slams the brakes, sending Gabriel and Audrey flying out of the windshield and causing the car to flip into a ditch.

Charlie, baby and Jeep crawl out of the car fine, and they make their way up and over a mountain (oh, how symbolic is that?) to the safe zone, when "holy monkey balls, Batman!" here comes Gabriel crashing into the trio! Charlie and the baby get knocked down, Gabriel is heading straight for the baby, Jeep (getting a running start) jumps on Gabriel, as he flings himself off the cliff to save Charlie and the baby. At the bottom of the cliff, Gabriel asks Jeep, "Why do you still have faith?" In which a reply comes from above (the sky) and not from Jeep. No, I don't mean God Himself spoke against Gabriel. He sent Michael - back in his full-fledge Archangel glory - down to stop Gabriel. When Gabriel asks him why he was forgiven, Michael's answer ("Because I gave Him what He needed. You gave Him what He wanted.") appeared to piss Gabriel off, as he flew off into the Heavens. Michael and Jeep share their final scene; Jeep asking Michael that horrid question that reminds me (every time) of Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) in Superman Returns: "Will we see you again?"

After Michael goes up, up and away, Jeep rejoins a very concerned looking Charlie and leads her down the mountain to safety. The closing sequence shows Jeep, Charlie and the baby in a different vehicle, driving down the road - Jeep, fashionably showing off his newly tattooed arms; Charlie, all cute and hippie looking, holding the baby wrapped in a knitted/crocheted blanket - with the back of the car filled with weapons and ammo. The closing remarks pick up from Charlie's opening lines:

When I was a little girl, my mom spoke of a prophecy. A time when all the world would be covered in darkness, and the fate of mankind would be decided. One night, I finally got the courage to ask her why God had changed; why He was so mad at His children. "I don't know," she said, tucking the covers around me, "I guess He just got tired of all the bullshit."

Congratulations! You survived the longest plot synopsis I've written thus far! Now, for my review! HA! You have to read more. That is, if you want to....

I have my top movie star crush list (Jason Statham and Sam Worthington topping the list), but I also have a more elite top movie star role list (sadly, no Statham or Worthington). My #1 on this list came as a bit of a slap on the face after watching A Knight's Tale, A Beautiful Mind, and The Da Vinci Code. Holy sheets of falling farts, Paul Bettany is a nut grabber! (and I honestly do mean that in the most awesome way possible!) His roles - no matter how small, big, quiet, loud - are attention grabbers (ie nut grabbers). He draws you into loving his character (and/or hating his character), and he doesn't even have to talk! Bettany's eyes just lure you in, hold you in there, and with one blink, release you from his power. Damn! I want to meet the man just to say: "Thank you for kicking my ass and being so good at what you do!"

Regaining focus on Legion

Paul Bettany's portrayal of Michael, the Battle Archangel, drew a "wow" and an "omg! it's Chaucer!" from me the first go around. The second time I watched Legion, Bettany's performance had me applauding his take on the Battle Angel: quiet, lean, mean, quick to kill.... However, this also made me start thinking back on when I was all about religion and studied the Archangels of God. One question that kept knocking me down: Would Michael really be the one to dropkick God's command? Seriously, out of the four Archangels (most Christians only count Michael and Gabriel, but Judaism also counts Raphael and Uriel. There are technically more Archangels, but from the stories, I deem "oldest" four: Michael, Gabriel, Uriel and Raphael - oldest to youngest. There would be five with Lucifer being older than Michael, but well... you know the story.) out of the four Archangels, I figured Uriel would be the most "let me question your judgement, God" sort. He was the one sent to guard Eden when God cast Adam and Eve out, and he was the one sent to bury Adam and Abel when they died. He watched and saved John the Baptist from King Herod's massacre and is seen as "Repentance" in Revelations. Uriel is truly the one Archangel who has seen the bad side of God and has saved mankind from so much shit, it isn't funny. However, How-Ever, I do understand why it is Michael who turns against God in Legion. On a balance, Michael is truly the only one who can battle against God's army of angels and win, as he is the Commander General of God's Heavenly Army. I doubt Uriel could stand a chance fighting Michael if Michael was leading the possessed. With both sides of the argument considered, I'll give a thumbs up on the Michael issue. I definitely give a thumbs up for Paul Bettany being Michael. I also give a thumbs up on how Michael dealt with Gabriel in the end. That's 3 thumbs up! Good deal! [Side note: I never realized this, but Bettany is the voice of Jarvis in Iron Man I and II! That's awesome! Also, I can't wait to watch Priest! I've read the graphic novel and knowing Bettany took on the role of Priest... shivers... He's going to knock the movie out of the park!]

The role of Gabriel was given to Little John! Holy sheets of virgin tears! I did not recognize Kevin Durand! I recognized his voice (naturally, I called him Little John) but not his face. As the Messenger of God, Durand did a hefty job on the role. I never imagined Gabriel to be so ready for violence to do God's will. I mean, he's not the Hand of God; he's Messenger of God. He's Hermes in Greek Mythology, Mercury in Roman Mythology, your mailman/woman in today's society! Sure, he was the one who rained destruction on Sodom, but he was the one who also gave the people of Sodom ample warning to turn from their sinful ways. Then, I must recall my lessons about the Apocalypse: After the destruction of the world, after the fire and floods, we shall hear the Horn of Gabriel ring across the land, signaling the end of time and the Final Judgement. With this in mind, Gabriel is not the one who will bring an iron fist on mankind, he simply introduces the iron fist's coming. However, How-Ever, like Michael, I understand why it has to be Gabriel who must face Michael. Gabriel (according to what I learned back in the day) is dang near Michael's equal in the heavenly ranks. If something were to happen to Michael in battle (as if he could actually die), Gabriel is to take command of God's Army and lead on. Durand's portrayal of Gabriel was intimidating. It was very much how I believe I'd feel in the presence of an Archangel: in shock, intimidated, scared, and ready to piss my pants! I bow to Little John, I mean, Kevin Durand for his powerful performance as Gabriel (equal to a thumbs up), and I throw a thumbs up to his deep ass voice that gives Gabriel such an alluring and intimidating tone! That gives this movie a total of 5 thumbs up!

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie was pleasantly performed by Adrianne Palicki, who is still a mystery to me. I'm still a blank slate when it comes to Palicki. I have heard her name being spat out when it comes to Wonder Woman, but unless I look her up, I just don't know who she is. Which (!!!) makes it easier for me to both praise and criticize the performance. Naturally, I'm huffy about the whole image of Virgin births - Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary - and Charlie's fatherless pregnancy kind of threw me into that direction. As well as her attitude about the pregnancy: smoking cigarettes, living life as if "whatever." Palicki does a wonderful job with her role that she had me hating Charlie for treating Jeep the way she did and for not really caring about the whole baby situation the way she did in the beginning of the movie. I must say, the 180 the character did after the birth is applaud worthy, but a bit delayed, if you ask me. Regardless, I give Palicki a thumbs up for making me hate her and love her character, Charlie, in the end of it all. Legion has a total of 6 thumbs now.

Well, I was going to touch base on Lucas Black (Jeep), Dennis Quaid (Bob), Charles Dutton (Percy), but I feel as if this is getting a bit much to read. So, I'll close with the one person I have grown to love and fear: Granny "Shark Teeth" Gladys Foster, portrayed by Jeanette Miller. The smile! Look at the smile! (points to picture) How can you not feel safe and warm and smile back at her? I am wondering: How did she really feel when she had to say the lines "your baby's going to fucking burn", "all babies are going to fucking burn", "shut the fuck up you, complaining skank"? Also, I know this part is all CGI, but I can't help but also wonder what she (Miller) was thinking when she read that her character was to bite Howard in the neck, scream "we're all gonna die", and go crawling all over the walls and ceiling. Granny "Shark Teeth" is just one of those characters performed by one of those actors who just sticks to your memory like super glue, and you can't seem to get your mind to release and separate from the character and the actor. To Granny "Shark Teeth" Gladys, I give 2 thumbs up for the creepy, freaky factor, and 1 thumbs up for taking on the role. Period.

With that, I give Legion 9 thumbs up (or in the case of the possessed little brat, 9 missing thumbs up) out of 10. That score is strictly from actors' performances and the entertainment value of the movie without thinking about religion. Yes, I said that. If you watch a movie and reflect on what you believe in, you won't actually enjoy the movie... that goes for any movie with any religious intonations, as a matter of fact. Book of Eli will be a perversion, Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons are both 100% conspiracies against the Church, and the list goes on and on and on.

Last thought: If you're looking for a movie with more "umph" and more details, this isn't the movie for you. This is very much a straight to the point film that has a very linear story with some pretty forward characters - some of them are a bit more dense than others, but still, straight forward characters.

With that, I close this entry.

Until next movie --

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